clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
