Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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