You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
