i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
