I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize