ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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