I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
