My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
