you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
