I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
