there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
