We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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