So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
