You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
