The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
