if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
