You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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