I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
