it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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