Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
