she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
