I'm lost and stupid without you.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
