420 ftw
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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