I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize