I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
