so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
