I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
