i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
