she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
