You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Randomize
