he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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