i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
