I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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