i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
