Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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