I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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