Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
