your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
