i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's never too late to be topless.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
