There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
