What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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