I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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