you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize