Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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