He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
