u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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