i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
