Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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