im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
