It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
