You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
