so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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