I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
