Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
