Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i want to swaddle you in tequila
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize