drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
