fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
