Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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