I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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