I need to stop coming to work sober
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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