I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
