Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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