well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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