I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
