you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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